Rodney Dangerfield Jokes – Best One Liners

rodney-danagerfield-1972My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I and my wife, we both don’t think it’s a good idea to donate money to the topless and homeless individuals.

She went to Florida. Let her make the first move. I’ll play it cool. Let my wife come on. One night, I came home.

I asked my father if I could partake in ice-skating on the lake. He informed me, “Wait until the temperature increases.”

A tab was opened. Blood was drawn by my doctor. It was way too much. I drank way too much. I drank in front of a mirror. I drank in front of a mirror. My doctor advised me to watch my drinking.

Disclaimer: this page includes referral links, indicating that I will receive a commission from eligible purchases.

Do you like Rodney Dangerfield? Check out these products on Amazon:

Rodney Dangerfield – Easy Money

Rodney Dangerfield – Back to School

Rodney Dangerfield – Ladybugs

“I deeply apologize. We exerted all possible efforts…But he successfully recovered,” the doctor expressed upon my birth, emerging from the waiting room to address my father.

I come from an unintelligent family. During the Civil War, my great uncle battled for the western side!

My father was foolish. He was employed in a bank and they apprehended him for pilfering pens.

After I was born, my mother experienced morning sickness.

My mother never nursed me. She informed me that she only enjoyed my company as a companion.

My father carries the picture of the child who accompanied his wallet.

While I was playing in the sandbox, the feline consistently buried me.

I could sense that my parents despised me. My bathtub playthings were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me the face of birth control.

“He said he wanted more evidence. They sent my father’s piece back and I remember the time I was kidnapped.”

The teacher’s request was for the students to complete the assignment. They were given a deadline. Output: The teacher’s instruction was for the students to finish the task. They were provided with a time limit.

I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to assist with that.

This morning when I wore my undergarments, I could hear the Fruit of the Loom gentlemen chuckling at me.

I’m a poor lover. Once I caught a voyeur jeering at me.

I can’t believe he betrayed my trust like that. Output: I am astonished that he deceived my confidence in such a manner.

It’s challenging to maintain a marriage. My spouse kisses the dog on the lips, yet she refuses to drink from my cup!

I obtained the license plate, however, she responded, “No, but I apprehended the individual responsible?” I exclaimed, “Did you witness the theft of our vehicle!” As she approached our car near the store the other day, it became evident that my wife lacks intelligence.

Upon arriving home, there she was. The sole predicament was that she was donning a seductive negligee. Last night, my spouse greeted me at the entrance.

A girl called me and said, “Come on over. There’s no one at home.” I went over, but there was nobody there!

A sex worker once informed me that she was experiencing a headache.

I visited a massage parlor where I had to serve myself.

If it weren’t for thieves, I would not have any romantic life whatsoever.

There are many places where they can hide. “I don’t know,” he said. “Do you think we’ll ever find them?,” I asked him. I asked my parents to help me find him and I once saw a policeman when I was lost.

“On your signal…” He stated. They dispatched a clergyman to engage in conversation with me. I recollect being extremely despondent, to the extent that I contemplated leaping out of a window on the tenth story.

When my father desired intimacy, my mother would display a photograph of me.

When I woke up, a blind man was reading my facial expression. I had dozed off in a library at some point. Additionally, I had numerous blemishes on my face.

My wife persuaded me to join a bridge association. I will depart from it next Tuesday.

Last week, my necktie caught on fire. Some man attempted to extinguish it with an axe!

I encountered the surgeon general. He presented me with a cigarette.

I began to cry and fell in love with this girl. “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” I asked. “No, I don’t hate myself now,” she replied.

I knew a girl who was so unattractive that she was known as a two-bagger – meaning that you would need to put a bag over her head and another bag over your own head in case hers fell off.

I once knew a girl who was so unattractive that she was used in prisons to rehabilitate sex offenders.

I knew she was an ugly girl, so I started attacking planes and buildings to rise to the top of the State Empire.

The last time I saw a mouth like hers, I knew a girl of such unattractiveness; it had a hook on the end of it.

I once knew a girl who was so unattractive, her face resembled that of a saint – specifically, a Saint Bernard!

One evening, feeling fatigued, I visited the bar to enjoy a few beverages. As I expressed my desire for a surprise, the bartender presented me with a revealing image of my spouse before inquiring about my drink preference.

During intimate moments, my spouse always desires to engage in conversation with me. Just recently, she contacted me from a hotel.

My relationship is in trouble again. Yeah, my spouse just ended things with their partner.

I arrived home ahead of schedule from my job when I unexpectedly encountered a man running in the nude. In response to this peculiar sight, I addressed him as “Hey buddy…What is the reason behind your unconventional behavior?” Surprisingly, he replied, “It is solely due to your premature arrival at home.”

Your eyesight is impeccable, but I am uncertain about my own condition. I expressed to him previously, “Doctor, every time I wake up and glance at my reflection, I experience a nauseating sensation.” Indeed…Doctor Vidi-boom-ba…I paid a visit to my physician.

I informed my dentist that my teeth were becoming yellow. He advised me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion. I told him you’re too unattractive. He said it’s okay.

I was so unattractive, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I entered the world, the physician glanced at my visage, flipped me around, and exclaimed, “Behold, twins!”

And we were also impoverished. Why, if I hadn’t been born male, I would have nothing to engage in recreational activities with!

The server accompanied me. I raised a glass on her special day to ‘the finest lady a gentleman has ever had.’ When it comes to my spouse, I receive no acknowledgment.

I’m not an attractive man. I visited a prostitute. I lowered my trousers. She decreased her fee.

Allow me to notify you, I am not a desirable gentleman. I was showcased as the centerpiece in Playgirl magazine. The bindings concealed everything!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my initial stride, my father stumbled me!

He told me last week that I have to advance in pay. I am thinking about suicide, my psychiatrist told me.

Let me tell you, when I was a child, all I experienced was rejection. My yo-yo, it never returned!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

“When I was a kid, I didn’t receive any respect. The kidnappers sent a note to my parents saying they want five thousand dollars, and they kidnapped me again.

She leaned forward – I inquired if I could bestow upon her a goodnight peck on the cheek during our initial rendezvous; let me assure you, my spouse was never pleasant, I must say.

I don’t get respect, I tell you, with my doctor. He told me to have some rest and a few drinks. I told him I have swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.

I have a dog as well. We named him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid-shaped mess in every room.

He wants to leave me. I don’t want to go out. He keeps barking at the front door. I don’t get any respect with my dog.

What an amazing dog I have. His preferred bone is in my embrace!

Last week, I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

I was employed at a pet shop and individuals frequently inquired about my potential growth in size.