Insurance is not typically associated with laughter and jokes, but here is a collection of our favorite funny one liners and jokes that can always be found somewhere to bring laughter. However, it is important to note that business insurance is no laughing matter.
And if you appreciate our insurance jokes, you’re bound to adore our page of authentic humorous car insurance claims here.
1. What similarities can be found between an insurance policy and a woman?
Both of them are costly, challenging to comprehend, and there is no assurance of what you will receive.
2. What’s the distinction between a whole life policy and a person?
A complete life insurance policy ultimately reaches maturity.
3. A insurance representative visited his nearby museum and unintentionally toppled a sculpture.
The curator of the museum exclaimed, “You’ve shattered a statue that is six centuries old!”
The insurance broker responded, “Thank heavens for that! I believed it was a fresh one.”.
4. What is the distinction between an actuary and an accountant?
An actuary gazes down at his shoes while conversing with you. An accountant directs their attention towards your shoes.
5. A physician, an engineer, and an actuary were debating one day about which was the most ancient occupation.
Being the oldest profession, it is necessary to be a doctor. This course was a surgical procedure, and the doctor said that God created Eve from Adam’s rib.
The oldest profession must be engineering, and the feat of engineering that created order out of chaos was God’s reply to that, said the engineer.
The actuary inquired, “Yes, but who caused the disorder?”.
Yesterday, when he visited the insurance brokers where I am employed, he attempted to claim compensation for his $25,000 adult entertainment collection that had been lost in a house fire.
I inquired of him whether he possessed any evidence of acquisition.
“No, I’m afraid
Therefore, I inquired of him whether he possessed any pictures of the objects before the blaze.
“Apologies, I do not,” he responded
So I inquired from him, “However, how can I be certain that this isn’t some kind of fraudulent activity?”.
He withdrew his wallet, extended his hand, and extracted a photograph of his spouse, displaying it to me.
I didn’t even bill him for his additional fee.
“Approach and take action regarding the matter, and if anyone disagrees, I believe all insurance agents are dishonest,” he shouts. The intoxicated individual is determined to create chaos and stumbles into a hotel lounge coincidentally hosting an insurance convention.
Immediately, this man rushes over to him and exclaims angrily, “Hey! You retract that statement immediately!”.
The intoxicated individual jeers and inquires, “So, are you a secret agent?
The man responds, “No, I’m a criminal.”
My boss exclaimed, “You must be out of your mind!” As he questioned how it was possible to provide a life insurance policy for a man who is 108 years old.
I said, “I was informed by you that the man who died last year was 108 years old and single, and that all the proper and stringent statistical tests were applied in the last five years.”
9. What similarities exist between hospital gowns and insurance policies?
You’re never protected as much as you believe you are.
The insurance boss was extremely pleased with the outcomes of the year, thus he announced to his employees, “Since all of you have put in such tremendous effort this year, I intend to present each one of you with a $5,000 check. Moreover, if you continue to work just as diligently next year, I will contemplate endorsing them.”
The businessman expressed to the life insurance agent, “I trust that you are feeling immensely esteemed. You should, as up until now today, I have had my secretary decline the services of eight insurance agents.”
The representative stated, “Indeed, I am aware, I embody all of them.”
There are four insurance companies that are in intense competition with each other, trying to come up with new advertising slogans to outdo the others.
The initial company introduces the motto: “Protection from birth to death.”
The second company is impressed but still attempts to improve it with: “Coverage from birth to death.”
The third company takes ample time and deliberates extensively before creating the slogan, aiming to avoid being surpassed, starting from the inception of the idea.
After much struggle and brainstorming, they finally settled on the phrase “From the establishment to the revival.” The fourth insurance company faced great difficulty in surpassing this and invested a significant amount of time in trying to come up with an alternative. They had nearly abandoned hope.
The cop, upon arriving at the scene of an accident, discovers that a car has collided with a tree and the driver remains trapped inside. Hurriedly, the cop approaches the driver and inquires, “Are you alright?”
The driver responds, “How am I supposed to know? I’m not an attorney.”.
14. This life insurance agent was filling out an application and reached the section regarding medical background.
He inquired about the client’s grandfather’s cause of death.
The customer responded, “He passed away peacefully in his sleep… Not shouting and screaming like the passengers in his vehicle.”
“Why are you always carrying my photograph with you when you’re going to the office?” You asked him, an underwriter, when his wife was leaving for work one day.
The underwriter responded by saying, “Whenever I encounter an issue, regardless of how insurmountable it may appear, I simply gaze at your picture and the problem dissipates.”
“Wow! Witness the awe-inspiring and extraordinary nature of my existence for you?” Exclaimed the spouse of the underwriter affectionately to her husband, who was immensely delighted by this response.
The underwriter replied, “Yes, I can see the problem you are referring to and I will take a closer look at the picture you mentioned.”
15. What did God say when he created insurance mathematicians?
He rubbed his forehead and exclaimed, “Go figure!”.
They interpreted it exactly as it
The prices were as follows: the shop on the sign had sourced the brains at different prices. The island that the traveler was exploring was solely inhabited by cannibals, and one day, a traveler came upon a specialized butcher’s shop in the human brains.
Actuary’s Intelligence
Loss Prevention Minds….. $10
Underwriters’ Minds
Claims Adjusters’ Minds ….
Insurance Executives’ Minds
Upon reading the sign, the traveler exclaimed, “Wow, those insurance executives’ intellects must truly be extraordinary!”.
The butcher responded, “Do you have any notion of the number of them we must eliminate in order to obtain a pound of brains? Are you joking with me?”
Sue, who owned a storage facility, experienced a devastating incident when it caught fire. Consequently, she contacted her insurance provider.
She stated, “I had that storage facility insured for sixty thousand dollars and I want my funds.”
The agent responded, “I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work that way. Let me explain. First, we will assess the worth of your current store and then offer you a replacement store of the same value.”
“I would like to cancel my husband’s policy if that is the case,” Sue said, and then she paused for a minute.
18. I was having a major argument with my grandmother the other day.
“You only concern yourself with my legacy,” she yelled.
“I replied, ‘Why would you spend your savings on cremation when we could just set fire to the house and get some insurance along the way, and then you die?'”
Suddenly, a genie emerged from the antique oil lamp in a cloud of smoke when the manager picked it up and gave it a rub. This surprising event occurred while the insurance sales representative, the administrative clerk, and their manager were casually strolling to lunch one day.
The genie said, “Hmm, usually I only grant three wishes, so I will grant each wish you give me, and there are three wishes for both you and me.”
In the Bahamas, piloting a speedboat, without any worries, the administrative clerk was extremely thrilled and exclaimed, “I want to be first! I want to be first!”.
There was another burst of smoke and she vanished.
The sales representative exclaimed, “Pick me next! Pick me next!” He was amazed and incredibly thrilled. “I desire to bask in the relaxing atmosphere of Hawaii, lounging on the shore with my exquisite private masseuse, an infinite abundance of piña coladas, and the person I love dearly.”
Another cloud of smoke appeared and he vanished.
Then the genie spoke to the manager, “Alright, it’s your chance now.”
The manager responded, “I would like those two individuals to return to the office after their lunch break.”
The lesson of the story? Always allow your boss to have the initial word.
The insurance manager expressed his desire to have twenty customers similar to Mr. Jones and thanked him for his patronage.
Mr. Jones, who was a little surprised, said, “I always pay my premiums late and I know you lodge lots of claims.” “It’s nice to hear that, I’m kind of surprised but well replied,” Wow.
The insurance manager conveyed, “Certainly, I would still value having twenty customers akin to you. The dilemma is, I presently have two hundred.”
The gentleman responded that he was unable to provide a response regarding the reason behind his father’s demise, and the salesperson inquired about the issue at hand. This individual was in the process of filling out a life insurance application and was encountering difficulties in finishing it. The salesperson questioned the man about the specific obstacle, to which he reiterated his inability to answer the query pertaining to his father’s cause of death.
The salesperson inquired as to why. The individual felt ashamed but eventually clarified that his father had been executed by hanging.
The salesman, after pondering for a moment, remarked, “Simply state: ‘My dad was participating in a public event when the stage collapsed.'”
22. In a distant realm, three unfortunate individuals are condemned to execution by guillotine.
According to the king, if the guillotine fails to perform its duty, you will still be granted freedom and officially declared free. Although the blade comes just millimeters away from the man’s neck, it unexpectedly halts, causing the executioner to accidentally drop the blade. When the moment arrives for their execution, the first man steps forward and willingly places his head in the guillotine.
“You are declared free to go, but if you fail to do your job, the guillotine awaits under the laws of our country,” says the king once again. The blades of the millimeters stop above the man’s neck, and the second man comes forward to take his place as the first man walks away and the relieved man gets up.
“I believe I understand the issue…” He says, then gazes upward. Suddenly, the man who is an actuary happens to place the guillotine on his head. The third man, who is very relieved, walks away freely and the second man stands up, so.
On the right side, there is a twenty-foot wide space where the initial actuary takes his shot, but both of them aim at it when they spot a duck flying in the sky. There are two actuaries engaged in duck hunting.
The second actuary’s attempt is twenty feet wide to the left.
The actuaries celebrate by giving each other a high five, because on average they succeeded.
24. How many risk assessors does it take to replace a light bulb?
How many took place last year?
25. “Are you aware of the current worth of your spouse’s policy?” The life insurance agent inquired of his customer.
The lady was perplexed and inquired, “What are you trying to say?”.
The agent asked, “Well, in the unfortunate event that you lose your husband, what would you receive?”
The lady pondered for a moment, then perked up and exclaimed, “Likely a poodle.”
26. This insurance professional possesses a few hens, and every morning he gathers a single egg from them for his morning meal.
Coincidentally, he happens to have an accountant as a neighbor who observes him gather the eggs on a daily basis.
One day, one of the chickens escapes from its enclosure and lays the egg in the yard of the accountant.
The actuary finally offers to settle the contest in which whoever takes turns kicking each other and hurts the egg will get the least time to win, saying that they finally have a fierce argument. The actuary sees the challenges of ownership over the egg and this.
The actuary gets the first turn, and they determine that the accountant concurs. He puts on his steel-toed shoes, and upon returning, he charges towards the accountant and delivers a forceful kick to the most vulnerable area, ensuring significant impact.
After about half an hour, he hobbles to his feet. In sheer agony, the accountant collapses on the floor and rolls around.
Says with a hint of enjoyment as he begins to ready himself for his turn.
The actuary responds, “No, you can have the egg
The actuary is actually going to the window where they are telling him to go back out, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, the salesperson has his foot on the gas, and an insurance salesperson and an underwriter are riding in a car, along with an actuary.
28. I attended an interview for a position as an insurance salesperson.
On the application form, when asked about “Previous experience,” I simply wrote “Lifeguard” and left it at that.
The interviewer asked, “In what way does working as a lifeguard connect with salesmanship? We’re seeking someone who can not only market insurance but also promote themselves.”
I stated, “I am unable
I secured the position.
29. A cowpoke had submitted an insurance policy application and was being interviewed by the insurance agent.
“Have you ever experienced a mishap?” The representative inquired.
“No,” responded the cowboy
“What? Not even a single one?” Asked the agent with
“No,” the cowboy insisted confidently. “However, a rattlesnake did sting me once.”.
“And do you not consider that to be an incident?” Exclaimed the agent.
“No; the darn critter did it intentionally.”
Insurance Jokes One Liners
If you are in need of it, like a parachute, insurance is something that shouldn’t be overlooked, especially when considering the first chances that won’t be there again, as Confucius would say.
So now it’s simply a matter of waiting.
Life insurance is a scheme that keeps you financially deprived throughout your lifetime, enabling you to accumulate wealth until your demise.
Health insurance is what allows individuals to feel uncomfortable when they are sick.
An insurance mathematician is adaptable; they are either correct, or can demonstrate it to be so.
There are more dreadful aspects in life than death – have you ever spent an evening with an insurance agent?
You know you’re getting older when your insurance provider sends you a partial calendar.
I entered this world to my family as a responsibility, and I will exit it in the same manner… Due to the absence of life insurance.
Do you know how to make an actuary laugh on a Thursday – tell them a joke on a Monday.
Insurance brokers are enthusiasts of premiums.
Insurance brokers engage in it with third parties.
Do Transformers purchase life insurance or automobile insurance?
Why won’t sharks attack brokers… Out of professional courtesy.
Actuaries do it without taking
Actuaries continue doing it until they pass away, become disabled
Actuaries perform it with different levels of interest.
Can non-believers file a claim on their insurance if it truly was an unforeseen event?
What do accountants utilize for contraception – their temperament.
Female spiders consume the male spiders after mating – they understand that obtaining life insurance is simpler than receiving child support.
If impolite priests are deprived of their religious status, and deceitful attorneys are deprived of their licenses, shouldn’t questioning actuaries be rendered inactive?
Arguing with an insurance adjuster is like wrestling a pig in the mud… After a while, you realize that he likes it.
Jokes About Insurance
If you enjoyed our selection of funny insurance jokes and one liners, then be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for more laughs that are both funny and really hilarious.