Is the New Lara Croft Hot Enough..?

In 1997, I was living in a bathroom closet at a friend’s house. I had a shitty life and no other means of communication besides speaking to Lara in a warm accent using giant cans. Needless to say, I decided to buy a copy of Tomb Raider 2 as soon as it came out and express my frustration at the pizza shop. All of my gamer friends had heard how awesome Tomb Raider was on Playstation throughout the past year. Although it may sound wrong, I now think you would consider me a homeless teenager who is awkward and overweight.

The continuous complaining and groaning were a different story when the camera focused on Lara’s groin area, but I never had the desire to engage in sexual relations with Ms. Pacman. Creating sexually appealing video game characters played a significant role in the success of video games in many ways. People weren’t getting sexually aroused by Metroid when they discovered that Samus was a woman. People weren’t experiencing sexual excitement during gaming sessions when Mario rescued the Princess. BREASTS! BREASTS! BREASTS!…. I’M REFERRING TO HER BREASTS! Besides the thrilling action, exploration, and climbing, what do you think was the factor that contributed to Tomb Raider becoming a huge success?

If not superior to a genuine film, but nowadays video games appear nearly as impressive. Video game adaptations have always been rather peculiar. Observing Angelina sprint, ascend, leap, and fire just felt appropriate in terms of the casting. The film, in my viewpoint, wasn’t particularly impressive. Remarkable Angelina Jolie was the most attractive woman in existence in 2001, and who held that title? Numerous individuals elevated the perception of Lara Croft as the most attractive woman alive when the moment arrived for Lara to become a reality on the big screen. Anticipations were extremely high.

Lara’s new persona in the 2013 video game reboot was well-received, with over 16 million units sold. She transitioned from being a regular girl to a more unbelievable and functional character. We got to see a younger Lara with a solid b-cup and a more realistic hourglass figure. The decision to give her a more realistic appearance was made in response to the criticism of objectifying women, particularly focusing on her huge rack.

So now it’s time for the film reboot, and the director definitely didn’t use the same theory as the 2001 drama. Who is Alicia Vikander, you may ask? Well, she’s an Oscar-winning actress known for her role in some Swedish drama that I’ve never watched, but apparently she gives zero shits about how she looks. She’s supposed to portray the character of Wonder Woman, but she looks nothing like the video game version of that character. Maybe I could see her going on the train, not the hottest girl on the planet, but this girl looks cute. However, she’s unknown and relatively new to the showbiz scene.

Lara, the original woman, had thick thighs and a voluptuous body. Today, she looks like a broad Crossfit zombie who skipped lunch and ran 5k’s on the weekend. She’s the sexy new girl in 2017, right? Let’s not forget to mention the giraffe-like neck she got in the movie poster. She’s getting ripped apart on Twitter, with puppy faces, Snapchat posts, and all. She looks like an assistant manager at Noble’s and Barne’s. She doesn’t look like Lara Croft, though. When I think of Lara Croft, I don’t think of a broad who gives out helmets when you go zip lining. But there’s nothing wrong with that look. That’s just what people are into, of course.

Which, as far as resembling the game, looks great….Too bad the main character doesn’t.