Evan Smith: Thanks for agreeing to talk to me. I know you get a lot of requests.
Attempting to alter this magnificent republic, and you’ve brought that foul New York excrement with you, whether it represents the genuine Texas or simply includes the term “Texas” in your publication’s title, you deserve my judgment. Why not? As long as you have Ted Nugent, I am here to make the decision.
ES: Oh, man! We’re starting off on a positive note here.
TN: It is a fantastic beginning – a sincere beginning. Sincerity is brilliance, by the way.
You expressed a lack of interest in technology, stating that you are not equipped to conduct the interview. I informed you that my recording device was not functioning properly during our previous phone conversation. Before delving into the Texas topic, I urge you to listen.
I called it “the mystical flight of the arrow.” It was as pure as watching my first child squirt out or jamming with Jimi Hendrix in a broom closet. The volume was set to 10, and it sounded a lot better with that amplifier. The first power chord ricocheted from the amplifier, and it was as glorious as the first piece of ass I ever had. I think you just got your first piece of ass. I encountered a stunning and magnificent two-hundred-pound wild boar in the freezing cold morning, hunting out in the mist of Central Texas. It felt like I had put a razor-sharp rod right through its heart, about thirty yards away. This original burp is as raw as figuratively and literally both. I believe it is my campfire on which an adorable earthling and even an American in 2007 can sit.
Yes, it’s true that you enjoy hunting.
“Nun a on [urinate] you went, he did. And, go nuts,” I said. “Sure, go,” I replied. “We can neither deny nor confirm,” I added. “Well, he goes,” I continued. “And, all the neat ones are really true,” I confirmed. “All the neat ones are really true,” I reiterated. “All the neat ones are really true,” I emphasized. “Yesterday, a guy on the radio asked me about some rumors,” I mentioned. “Yes, that’s a very true one,” I confirmed.
ES: That one you refused.
Many people know that God deserves it. I would have enthusiastically acknowledged such an occurrence and would have believed that I had the opportunity, but yeah! Uh, TN:
In the sights of those “media troublemakers” you enjoy mentioning, what precisely occurred that led to your participation in Rick Perry’s inauguration, supposing that another one of the rumors he inquired about?
I never mentioned anything about illegal activities or immigration, let alone English language requirements. I have never had any inappropriate interactions or encounters with Barney Perry, Rick Governor, or any other valued employee or good friend of mine. If I were asked a question on stage during the inaugural ball, I would have looked at what they were asking me instead of jumping to conclusions and condemning someone. I am driven by current evidence and irrefutable statistics, not by personal biases. I am always bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, conducting thousands of interviews every year because I love what I do. People hate me because of my stance on guns, but I believe in the Second Amendment and the natural instinct for self-defense. I have become effective at explaining the truth about the Second Amendment, even though it may not be politically correct. I sincerely speak my mind and do not consider the recipient of my communication. I may not be found on the shelves of Whole Foods, but I am an organic guy who is conscious of what has happened and what is happening.
ES: Complete silence.
All of you Mexicans who should go back to wherever you came from, you stinkin’ dirty idiots: “Is it Gomerlands, or Timberlands, or Parklands, or whatever.” I attribute this sentence to me railing at the audience in Houston a few years back, and I put it in quotation marks around a newspaper article. I have to wear a girdle to keep from busting a gut laughing at these fools. This is better than Richard Pryor’s fire. But I’m not angry. Not a peep: Tennessee.
ES: That’s not what you mentioned?
I say that I am from Des Moines. We were in Texas because I didn’t say that. If you can’t speak English, they say what I said. If I were to express that sentiment, it could make it much more colorful. Never, never: TN.
ES: You mention it everywhere.
TN: I’ve mentioned it everywhere! Because it’s suitable!
Are you questioning the eligibility of those individuals who do not communicate in the English language to live here?
I don’t comprehend if you eat and shit, that is a true celebration of mankind. That’s not racism. That’s not Ted-ism. If you don’t effectively communicate, your American dream will not be accomplishable. They agree because they stop me on the streets of Waco, Abilene, Albany, and San Antonio with goodwill and decency. People who can’t speak English but want to speak the same language might want to benefit their neighborhood or go to a certain class. I didn’t have time to learn that shit because I was too busy learning other things. I never went to college, Evan, you know, for language. It’s attributed to a variation of “America, get the fuck out if you can’t speak English” because it determines that it’s safer, more productive, and more inventive than the rest of the world, etcetera. That’s why there was a front-page article in the Wall Street Journal about it, misrepresenting and intentionally portraying my onstage statement as the most abrasive and vicious. Only after two days or so, did the newspaper mean exactly what I meant. That’s out. But if you don’t put forth the effort to get the fuck out, you almost died for nothing to be an asset to this country. I don’t question their worthiness.
ES: Alright, that’s a highly concise response.
Can you find someone who will agree with that ideology? Does anyone really believe that? “Come to America and don’t speak English,” which would be the complete opposite approach, there cannot be a dominant influence in this country. And, if I may add, invincible, TN.
Despite what you’re saying, I find it pretty inflammatory and I don’t think you’re being racist. I hear people who probably think there are there.
Evan, there’s no uncertainty about it. I’m quite daring. Numerous deceased Nazis would be the outcome if I orchestrated a Luger acquisition and a group of brownshirts attempted to herd me and my Jewish neighbors onto a train. I’m so radical that I would most likely shoot the motherf***er first if some sort of despot or emperor or oppressor tried to control my religion and I had to cross a treacherous body of water to an unfamiliar region on a ship. Am I not remarkable? Instead of dialing 911 when an intruder enters my house, I am genuinely willing to fatally shoot the motherf***er. I believe in self-defense. I believe in the U.S. Constitution. Actually, I’m an extremist. You know what? No, TN.
ES: Difficult to argue with that.
Is the English language essential for a good American like yourself to think about? Let’s discuss the things we want to talk about. I would disagree with you and challenge your points to prove you wrong, smarty-pants.
ES: I believe you should not insist on people speaking exclusively in English.
TN: Do you believe you can contribute to your community in America if you are unable to communicate in the English language?
ES: I believe there are likely instances in which you are able to.
If there’s a coming flood, I don’t want someone screaming in Spanish through a megaphone. I don’t want to bring my crowbar to straighten out my axle, which is wrecked due to my trail eating. Everybody burst for the high ground, stating clearly, “Political correctness is really a mental disorder!”
I feel very strongly about you. I know that you have been on the National Rifle Association board since 1995. Another politically correct thing after all is guns: ES.
They want to ban hunting, but I can’t help but recruit more and more people on our side every day. In this war culture, what’s even more abrasive and spine-shattering is left than food and gun ownership. If you ask me what’s at the spear-of-the-tip, yes, yes!
Such a person, you have no use for. Giuliani, Rudy there’s. Control gun support who right the on people are there but.
TN: I have no need for him.
So if someone agrees with you on everything else but is incorrect on that particular matter, do you dismiss them?
There were probably a group of homosexual men who ascended those steps. Men who smoked or used tobacco ascended those steps. Do you know what my opinion is? I believe that one must possess some level of intellectual deficiency to engage in smoking or chewing tobacco. However, men who hurried up those steps had an affinity for adult films. I view individuals who enjoy adult films as unwell. I find adult films to be unhealthy. And do you know who rushed up those steps? Men who enjoyed adult films. For instance, I am unable to adequately express my admiration for the courageous individuals who bravely climbed the stairs of the Twin Towers. It necessitates a deeper and more thoughtful examination. TN: I do not dismiss him outright.
ES: Currently, there are homosexual soldiers fighting on our behalf in Iraq.
I’m imperfect because I’m human, so even as an old hunter with a perfect bow, I’m imperfect. When it comes to representing people, I look at the Golden Rule, the Ten Commandments, and the Bill of Rights, which certainly includes freedom, decency, and goodwill as the barometers. But when it comes to looking for true love, I see that every person imaginable has every imaginable choice. I’ve cooked meat over campfires with them in Kandahar.
ES: Okay.
TN: Therefore, Giuliani is considered a hero. He is a fighter. However, his reasoning has been influenced by his experience in Manhattan.
Therefore, due to that reason, you could not endorse him for the position of president.
TN: I’m not entirely certain.
ES: Is there someone else in the competition you prefer? John McCain?
Voting groups cater to try to appeal to a heartless belief, I believe that I should be a politician today, even if it means compromising my weak logic. McCain has certainly earned the respect of the country by serving on a pedestal of reverence, and Giuliani showed some of the finest leadership since Patton after 9/11. I don’t just use the word “respect” because it’s not powerful enough – he truly deserves our admiration. McCain is a lot like Giuliani: TN.
ES: It seems to me that you don’t appease anyone.
TN: I appease diligent, historically conscious, hands-on individuals who engage in self-governance experiments.
ES: Does Rick Perry align more with the type of individual you feel at ease endorsing?
Real soon, at the next stop, there would be a sign saying “Wanted: Help to stop the welfare brats, whores, and pimps that Perry Rick states will have more and more of if he becomes a more decisive, intelligent, thoughtful, understanding and inclusive person. He accurately represents the top one percent of those who we, the people, stand for. In 2007, Perry Rick stood in the world of politicians but I think his late efforts to secure our borders were too little, too late. I also believe that he is out of control when it comes to the Texas education system. I don’t agree with everything he has done, so I don’t support him very much.”
ES: Have you spoken since the commencement?
TN: Numerous occasions.
ES: What is his opinion on all of this?
Should I start reading that magazine? Maybe it’s the Monthly Texas. I think there could be a more intense vernacular street language coming from the good governor. I don’t think he used the word “precious” or “adorable”. He thought the whole brouhaha was just adorable and I thought I was just precious. It’s hard to get words back and forth among each other amidst the uproarious laughter over the telephone.
You have been living in Texas for over three years. I don’t think everyone understands why you were at the governor’s inauguration.
Rocco, my sixteen-year-old son, is a remarkable and exceptional young man. He excels academically as an honor student, and he demonstrates exceptional skills in varsity basketball. To ensure Rocco’s education, we relocated to Waco. Initially, we resided in the neighboring Crawford region, which is in close proximity to the president. Tennessee.
ES: What was the reason for your relocation to Texas?
During Rocco’s crucial high school years, we made the decision to stay in the Dallas area due to the consistent and healthy environment it offered, which ultimately helped her become a better individual. The medical demands she had made it necessary for us to be in close proximity to the life-saving clinic in Dallas. Unfortunately, we lost everything, including our dream home, when we discovered that our beautiful house in Michigan was infested with toxic black mold. This was the reason why our own personal Katrina turned our lives into a living hell.
ES: And you enjoy it.
I have great friends here and a great relationship with the state. Since the 1960s, I have come to Texas every year to hunt, roll, and rock. We love it.
ES: It has proven to be a favorable location for you to reside.
TN: Apart from the fact that Texas has the most terrible drivers on this side of Ontario.
Do you truly believe that? There is a cocaine epidemic. There is a methamphetamine epidemic. Here, you have a massive problem with drugs. I have never seen so many intellectually challenged people in my life until I came to Texas. If I read the quote accurately, it seems that you have another problem with Texas.
Alright, if I see a cowboy with a turd in his mouth, I will actually pull over to the side of the road and look at him. It’s enough to make me vomit just observing the inaccurate claim that chewing tobacco alone is an epidemic. I can defy anyone to show me evidence that contradicts this accurate quote.
I’d pay money to see you interacting with the tree huggers down my way, What’s going through my mind right now is.
“You freaking primate, if you can’t see that planting trees is probably more effective in saving trees, and if you smoke more dope, you probably can’t come back to the reality that saving trees through planting is more effective. Butterfly, I have respect for all, “So the Arbor Day Foundation, planting ten million trees, and Kamp America for Kids, United Sportsmen, while I was sitting in a tree, Ted Nugent, my tree, because she was sitting in a tree, stupid.” “I believe in something for which you had to make a sacrifice, you little brat, so God bless you,” Maher’s Bill told her and I shook her hand on his show. It’s a true story, I think her name is Butterfly. That’s a true story. While I’m planting millions of trees, there’s a mentally deranged tree hugger who sat in a red California sequoia tree. There’s what you mean by tree huggers, you know what I mean: TN”
ES: Yeah, you would be very popular in Austin.
TN: Oh, I am. It’s a complete blast. You know, I recall the Armadillo World Headquarters. It was quite a popular spot.
ES: I’m sure you blend in perfectly there.
Every year, when even the most dedicated hippies still dance with great passion, Uncle Teddy bursts into their beloved romantic tunes. The crowd goes wild! I perform it annually.