Please give a warm welcome to Tom Papa as he takes the stage.
[Applause and celebration].
Thank you.
[The crowd continues to cheer and applaud].
Thank you very much, Cleveland. You all look fantastic. Cleveland, Ohio.
[Crowd cheering].
Take a look at you. I appreciate you showing up. It’s nice to see you. Absolutely fantastic. The most outstanding individuals, respectable individuals. That’s the reason I’m present.
[Applause and celebration].
I knew it too. It knew it. It knew I. I wanted to cancel and let you know. I wanted to cancel and let you know. You got stuck with it. And you made a little plan for yourself. Look at you.
[Laughter].
I will shed tears tonight. I’m only seeing weakness on your side, if there is any. I don’t want you to go. Yeah. Are we still going to text each other about the same thing?
[Laughs] [Applause]..
Just finished. I’m not going. Don’t even think about calling me. Oh, canceling that sweet gym. Yes, don’t bother chewing her out or talking to him. “Yes.” “You think we can cancel ’em.” “Oh, what a dream, canceling another couple’s dinner plans.” “I’m not doing anything.” Just want to have something to do. “Oh, canceling is the best.” There’s nothing better than canceling. If you only knew how good it feels in the world. Oh, cancel it all. You just want to be home with your pants off. You just want to be home with all my pants off at night.
[Applause].
“I desire to attend school, but I am unable to. The divine being prohibits our attendance. God is nullifying all plans for everyone. Oh! It’s truly remarkable. Do you recall the joy of snow days? Snow days? They are absolutely fantastic. Oh.”
[Laughter].
Thank you, and I express my gratitude to you, and it carries significant significance, and you accomplished it, and you didn’t call off, and refraining from canceling is challenging, Yeah.
[Applause and celebration].
I can’t reach you. I’m upset about this. I’m going to have to get pants. We’ve been walking till now. We apologize for walking normally. Look at the humiliation on this animal’s face. I swear on my dog’s arms, legs, and head. There was a woman next to me who had a Chihuahua in a BabyBjorn. Last year, I got on a flight at the end of the year. What could possibly be wrong with your crazy ass? “Aboard” means I’m going to lose my marbles and have this puppy with me on this flight. Do you have any idea how little you think to have a scam certificate show at the gate? Then a girl shows up with a Pekinese sticking out of Kitty Hello handbag. How about these fake service dogs with these fake service people? It’s not working or acting like a Kitty Hello handbag sticking out Pekinese girl shows up. How about these fake service dogs with these fake service people? It’s not working or acting like a Kitty Hello handbag sticking out Pekinese girl shows up. How about these fake service dogs with these fake service people? It’s not working or acting like a Kitty Hello handbag sticking out Pekinese girl shows up. How about these fake service dogs with these fake service people? It must be hard with all that snow to use white crayon in that show. I didn’t know it was Game of Thrones, I thought it was something childish like The Hobbit. My apologies. I have an adult coloring book, it’s Game of Thrones. They’re popular and they’re adult coloring books. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a-man. Just coloring, just coloring, just coloring on the floor of the airport, I saw a grown man, a grown man, a man-a
[Laughs].
He should not have been taken to Applebee’s by himself. “Me too.” “I miss Grandpa.” “Has anyone not come back? Has anyone not come back?” “Just follow the wall and you will get there. No.” “Has anyone gone? Has anyone gone?” “If you don’t give her exact directions, she gets frightened in restaurants, she is one of those timid people, my wife and I.” “You know, we’re easy to scare, we’re timid creatures, it’s easy to scare us, look [sighs].”
[Laughs].
There are many different ways to die, so make sure to keep your eye on the ball. No. Are they coming to your house? Do you think they are coming to your house? Are you afraid of ISIS? Do you fear ISIS? It’s important for you to have perspective, so keep your eye on the ball. It’s natural to get scared, but take a closer look.
[Laughter].
Today, I indulged in gas station nachos once again. And once again, I indulged in them. No, they are detrimental to my health, I should refrain from consuming them, but I am unable to resist. That was how I spent my entire day. The entirety of my day today was dedicated to resisting the temptation of eating nachos. I comprehend. Navigating through life is challenging. It is arduous. Being a human being is difficult. Listen, life is filled with stress. Maintain a broader perspective. That is who you should fear, not some individual disguised as a ninja from Party City running around Yemen. You should be apprehensive of moms driving Honda Odysseys. The roads are chaotic. Nonetheless, you still need to make your way back. You successfully arrived here. You drove here this evening.
[Crowd groans].
Oh, step back. Your sophisticated Cleveland farm-to-table nacho mentality.
[Applause and celebration].
He only takes drugs. He puts them in his body and only gets them. Today, I didn’t wake up saying “I’m eating nachos.” We’re not doing it. That guy is different in making those decisions. Tom says those things in the morning. Oh no, you don’t like Tom in the morning. He’s a winner. He makes fruit smoothies, returns emails, and puts on workout clothes. He puts protein powder in the blender. My weak family stares down at Fruit Loops. “You guys are losers, you know that,” you say. You’re looking like a winner here, all three of you. We’re all in the morning. Now there’s something different about you coming right out. You’re focused and clear-eyed in the morning. You have to wait until late at night. They might be tired and confused when they have to lay down.
[Applause and celebration].
He is not a winner, but he is an alcoholic, which is what he takes in the blender with tequila and margarita mix. He is a very different guy who wakes up in his place and passes out around 2:00 in the morning. Is it a problem that it is very late at night? Right, you all know that’s okay, but “I’ll be back for waffles.” However, in the history of mankind, no one has ever laid claim to the buffet breakfast.
[Applause and celebration].
Yeah.
[Laughs].
I accomplished that task. “And it’s resolved. “It will remain resolved… “As long as you utilize the alternate restroom. “Simply utilize the alternate toilet. I’m uncertain what I exactly did.” Now my children are observing me. “Who is the inferior individual now?” Intoxicated at 3:00. And he is dishonest. He will say anything to persuade me to consume alcohol, anything. “Come on. Just have one. “Have one. You are deserving of it. You are deserving of it.” That is all I needed to listen to. “Yes, you are correct. I do deserve it. “Yes, I exerted effort this week. I fixed the toilet as well. “You no longer hear the sound of water running, no. “I removed the cover from the back. “I inserted my hand in that eerie water. “I touched the chain adorned with vegetation.
[Laughs].
You don’t realize how much the world affects you. At this point in your life, nothing would be different if you worked all the time, you know, what difference does it make to enjoy yourself? You can’t work crazy all the time and enjoy yourself. You can’t work crazy all the time and enjoy yourself. You have to enjoy yourself. You have to have perspective in your life. Okay, but that’s okay. I wonder if Panda Express makes nachos, “later I’m just wandering around my drunk house with a phone in my hand at three hours.” All right. Without money and songs, you can’t stop at just one, “like Sinatra, you’re “Yeah?” If you’re going to stop at just one, will you have one? If you’re going to stop at just one, will you have one? Then he comes to you. Please, then he comes and.
[Laughter].
What do you intend to achieve? Relax.
[Applause and celebration].
Sea lions are like a pile of roommates, just lounging around the living room. It was my entire childhood waking up to ask them to move. It’s not a lazy thing, it’s a genetic condition I come from, where I have long naps. I don’t know if I peed five times if I don’t know if I was REM’d out at the end. I don’t even know if I slept last night, and if I’m tired today, I don’t think I can get a nap in the morning. Sometimes I need a lot of sleep, and when I’m out, I’m out. Those guys sleep for only three hours a night. No sleep. No sleep. That’s alright. And that’s really something. They are genetic freaks. Freaks like Edison and Steve Jobs. Genetic freaks. Don’t compare yourself to those who changed the world. That’s all right and it’s true.
[Laughter].
Let’s go. Yes, it’s her who whiskers moved. I can go to Keith’s house, Grandma, Grandma. I can go to Keith’s house, Dad, Dad. Moan long.
[Laughs].
Greedy capitalist pigs they are, and I am married with two children. I don’t live alone, but I could really use a break every week. I always need stuff, but I don’t need money. Personally, as a poet, I can live a meaningful life without needing a lot of money. I’ve been chasing this abstract goal of money, but it shouldn’t be the only thing. Bob has all the money in the world, but it’s not something everyone needs. In the summer, everyone just sleeps and takes a break from the constant pursuit of money. Now, every year, the list of people with money shrinks, and it’s not something that defines a person’s worth. So, what’s going to happen? How will your life change? What will you do with your time? Don’t let work consume you.
[Laughs and claps].
Again, we will try and attempt once more, and at a good time, you might think about what will not ruin my Saturdays and humiliate me, well, Yeah. I will not be humiliated and my Saturdays will not be ruined by that. We are not allowed to quit things, “Dad”. We like that, we sit through it and my Saturdays will not be ruined and I will not be humiliated. Well, Yeah. We did not quit that night, we scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on the couch. And we did not quit that night. We scooped her out, revived her, and placed her back on
[Laughs].
So, I won’t be a part of the extremely wealthy, and I have news for you. Uh, you aren’t either.
[Laughter].
They don’t do this. They don’t come out to the ass end of Cleveland, sit in the dark, and listen to jokes.
[Applause and celebration].
Everyone finds it amusing. We playfully push Grandma into the small swimming pool, causing her breast to unexpectedly pop out. We enjoy egg salad sandwiches and gather around my sister’s outdoor dining table. This group of people is not my biological family, but they understand the humor and join in the laughter. The father stands up and recites lines from Shakespeare, adding to the beauty of the moment. The scene is filled with joy and laughter, as food seems to magically appear from the sky. The father continues to stand up and quote Shakespeare, captivating everyone with his words, and enhancing the beauty of the atmosphere.
[Laughs].
Why are you putting the newspaper in the same mansion that people in the poor newspaper are looking for and couponing? Do you know what these places look like because they come in this beautiful magazine filled with mansions, like the real estate section of the Sunday paper? Who needs a mansion? Who needs a mansion? Who needs a mansion? How much is enough? How much is enough for you to know what you mean? This is not working out. We are making hot dogs again, making us say “No again?” Because we are not working out the weird smell. This is not working out. We are making hot dogs again, making us say “No again?” Because we are not working out the weird smell. This is not working out. We are making hot dogs again, making us say “No, weird smell.” This is not working out. We are making hot dogs again, making us say “No again?” Because we are not working out the weird smell. It was fun. I needed the money. It was fun, but I needed the money. When I started comedy out of college, I made five bucks in New York, right? We’ve been there all. I’m not saying you want to be poor. I’m not saying you want to make money. Right? There’s nothing wrong with making money. Look.
[Applause and celebration].
Yes, I frequent Costco. These individuals have compelled me to do so. Get over yourself. “I crafted my own bags from human hair and seaweed. I am a divine being sent from the heavens. I want everyone here to be aware that I would not utilize their bags.” They put on a whole spectacle about their bags when they reach the checkout counter. It’s difficult to distinguish the edible part from the discardable part. “Are you supposed to consume the stem? Oh, alright.” It tastes like mulch, and you feel like a koala bear when you chew on it. But it’s available now, and you must eat it. I don’t even know what it is. My mother never encountered it. My grandmother never prepared it. “Then where will you acquire your kale? How will you obtain your kale?” I’m not spending five dollars on an apple just because you thought it was a good idea to transport it from Vermont via bicycle. I enjoy eating healthily. I do. I’m finished with it. I’m finished with Whole Foods. No. No.” That’s where I acquire my ethically-sourced M&Ms. I only shop at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. No, I respect it. I simply cannot do it. “That’s repulsive. I can discern it from your complexion, as it is blotchy and unsightly. Where do you shop? The regular grocery store?” “She may be older, but she has all new components. Look at my wife. She’s newer than yours. Look at my car. It’s newer than yours. “Just observe what I possess. “Look at my car. It’s newer than yours. “Just observe what I possess. “You know individuals in your family and circle of friends who simply mortgage it, lease it just to say, “I’m superior to you,” even if they don’t possess it. So if you have a substantial amount of money and you assist others, that’s one thing, but the culture has regressed into this “I’m better than you” mindset just to possess things. One overripe banana from 1995. No one wants to pick it up because you know it’s going to split. And fruit isn’t even the primary item in the fruit bowl. You are the fruit bowl. Bid farewell to your friends. You have been nominated. Congratulations, bowl. You simply choose it out from the other bowls. You require a bowl. You purchase fruit. Have you ever purchased a fruit bowl? I have never even purchased a fruit bowl. It simply sits under the kitchen sink and waits. They have an apple boy. Because they have an apple boy. A new one just appears out of nowhere. You consume one. The exquisite island with a fruit bowl featuring a pyramid of flawless green apples. They always have those impeccable kitchens. Yes. I go to Costco.
[Applause and celebration].
“Here’s a fried baloney ball. You’re doing great.” It’s like a white trash marathon in that place. The place is so massive, they got to hand out little samples in cups to keep up your strength. Trying to throw it in your cart like the Scottish strongman competition. You can’t get a 25-pound salami on your back by yourself. You’re gonna have to make some friends on your way in. You can drive there alone. There’s a sense of community when you go to Costco, right? This is my only weekend out.” I brought the big car. “And I’m making one trip. “I’m disgusting, and I need more stuff immediately. Everyone knows exactly who they are at Costco. No one acts like they’re better than you at Costco. Yeah.Output: “Here’s a deep-fried baloney sphere. You’re doing fantastic.” It resembles a lower-class marathon in that establishment. The establishment is so enormous, they have to distribute small samples in cups to sustain your energy. Trying to toss it in your shopping cart like the Scottish strongman competition. You can’t carry a 25-pound salami on your own. You’ll have to make some acquaintances on your way inside. You can drive there by yourself. There’s a feeling of camaraderie when you visit Costco, correct? This is my only weekend away.” I brought the spacious vehicle. “And I’m making only one trip. “I’m repulsive, and I require more items immediately. Everyone knows precisely who they
[Applause].
Roll it, place all my belongings inside. I’m going to utilize it as my container. Hand me the casket, you know what? Today is the day. Seriously? You know what? How much longer can I continue to live in this manner? You’re like, “Cheez-Its and Slim Jims crammed into your cart, gaze inside until you appear ridiculous. They actually sell coffins at the entrance. They’re not going to exist forever at Costco, and they understand that. He was a bleeder. The cardboard is slightly damp. I’m unsure if that bothers you. “There was a deceased pig in this yesterday. They have containers with openings in them. They don’t even have pouches. No one is discussing pouches at Costco. You reach the cash register. If you maintain this speed, you will arrive there by Tuesday. There are chicken popsicles, aisle ten.
[Laughs].
And this agreement regarding going home, and the ointment getting here in a secretive manner, I simply didn’t want to make eye contact with you. I don’t want anything on my keychain. I don’t want you to join. Join us. Join us. People coming out from the back. You don’t have a card to join us, man. You don’t have a card, man. Don’t you have your card? Do you have your CVS card? Do you have your card for CVS? Do you have your card? This week, for the tenth time, I don’t have a card. Do you have your card? “No, I’m not dating CVS enough. That’s why I’m avoiding dealing with human beings. Back off. Shouldn’t you go to a store once they have taken so much information from you, considering this long-term relationship with these companies? I don’t even blame you if you’re one of those Whole Foods or Costco people. Look, I don’t even blame you.”
[Laughter]. [Applause].
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[Laughs and claps].
It’s a big deal. Yeah, look – because it’s a huge milestone, the kids are traveling with their own wheeled luggage for the first time in their lives. She doesn’t like any big moments, but this is a big one for us.
[Applause].
Every day, my wife, who doesn’t speak any English, starts getting stuff done from the minute she wakes up until about half an hour after she falls asleep. She doesn’t talk to anybody at the hotel, including the housekeeper.
[Laughs].
Went to Disney for the first time, a trip to Disney. That was, uh- that was rough. That was rough. That is not a good place. They call it “the happiest place on Earth.” For who? For who? Ugh! Look, I love the idea. I love the idea that this man created something out of his own head. He just wanted to create a nice little place where families can go and kids can let their imagination run wild and feel safe for a couple hours in this horrible world. Beautiful idea. But what he couldn’t foresee when he was developing it in 1950 was the type of people it was going to attract in 2016 in the United States of America, ’cause they didn’t make these kind of people back then. There weren’t dinosaur-sized people stomping through the park with their elephant children attached to their tail… Pushing the biggest strollers I’ve ever seen. I had no idea John Deere made strollers. One woman had five kids in it. Fi-I never-I don’t know what you even call that. A pentalometer? A jumbotron? Five pumpkin-faced kids eating cheeseburgers, and she’s plowing through the crowd, knocking other families out of the way like tumbleweeds just so she can get to the churro stand first. Then there are people there, women, who have no children at all, who want to be a princess themselves. Grown women who want to be a princess. They want to dress like Cinderella, but they don’t make a Cinderella dress for someone 48 years old, 6’5″, 380. They never had a meeting and said, “Let’s make more of those.” Does that stop them? No, it does not. They buy that dress. They stuff everything they have into it, and a lot doesn’t fit. There’s a lot of extra hanging over the sides. But that’s okay. They’re happy there. They have their autograph book and their wand, and they skip through the park. Fine. Honestly, I didn’t think I was gonna fall for it. I didn’t. I didn’t think we were gonna do. I didn’t. But once you make your own people, the ads just find you. Every time you open your phone, open your laptop, turn on TV, there they are, just selling you joy and perfection, right? Every time you turn it on, the mom and dad are beautiful, perfect teeth and hair, clothes. “I love you.” “No, I love you.” “You’re beautiful.” “No, you’re beautiful.” “Our kids are beautiful.” And the kids are holding Mickey’s hand, looking back at the parents. “Thanks, Mom and Dad, for not being stupid and poor.” I’ll admit it; I wanted to be that family. I wanted to be that family. We were not that family. We didn’t come close. We were not perfect. We were sweaty and pissed off and cursing in front of the children. “This is your damn fault. “If your parents didn’t raise you like an animal, we would have left a little bit earlier.” And the kids don’t even hear us, ’cause they’re slapping each other in the face. And we haven’t even parked yet. We haven’t even parked. We’re still in the van. We’re pissed off ’cause we didn’t get to park in Mickey and Minnie parking. They sent us with that big hand to the ass end of Chip and Dale parking. That’s another tram ride we didn’t plan for. Then you get to the front of the park. I know it’s a cliché, but you get up there. You open your wallet. They take everything you got. Everything- every dollar, every coin, every credit card, gym memberships, pictures of your family, unused condoms. That mouse rapes you at the turnstile, and you have to plaster a smile on your face in front of your kids, ’cause you don’t want to ruin the happiest place on Earth. “It’s gonna be a great… Day, guys. It’s really gonna be a lot of fun.” Then you get inside. It’s just line after line after line. I thought I was gonna beat it. I had the app on my phone. I’m like, “I’m gonna beat ’em.” No, you’re not beating Disney. I’m like, “Let’s go on the Peter Pan ride. “That’s a horrible ride from 1912. “Look, no one wants to even go on it. The line only goes back and forth two times.” Yeah, up here. Then they take you to the basement. It loops around for three days. Then they shoot you out the ass end. It goes around the Matterhorn 12 times. And it’s a bad ride. It’s a bad ride. Old cardboard cutouts, Christmas lights that don’t even work anymore. All the voices are jumbled. [Distorted] “I’m Tinker Bell. I’m Tinker Bell.” 2 1/2 hours! Was it worth it? No. What would be worth it? Nothing. I get to the end of that line, there could be naked supermodels with bags of money and all-you-can-eat nachos. I’d be like, “No, not into it. You lied to me.” [Chuckles] Here’s what I learned, though. Here’s what I learned. If you go ahead and go-and if you make your own people, you’re gonna have to go- you just want to go once. You want to go once, so you got to blow it out, make it all about the kids, go big. Give ’em your money. “Here’s $300 cash, kids. “Spend it the way you want to spend it. It’s your day.” And halfway up Main Street, they’ll be broke, ’cause they’re small, and they’re stupid and gullible. And they’re going to buy a lot of blinking stuff that’s not gonna work by the time they get outside. And now they’re laying in the gutter of Main Street like little Disney hobos, broken toys, crying, just yelling at the characters. “Get over here, duck, and shake your ass. I got nothing left.” Make sure you fill them with sugar, a lot of sugar. Make them tweak out on sugar. Don’t even have to wear sunblock. “How about that, kids? “You hate when I put it on you. “I don’t want to put it on you. “Don’t wear it. I bet you don’t even burn in Disney.” They do burn, especially when they’re little. They turn purple, and they start to blister. And now they’re crying. They got broken toys. They’re crashing on sugar. And this is when you walk ’em. You got to walk the hell out of ’em. Give ’em the map. “Anywhere you want to go.” “Oh, you want to go from the Cars ride “to It’s a Small World? “Sure, 20 miles apart. Let’s start walking.” Midnight rolls around. They’ve been on two rides the whole day. We’ll never go back again. My kids see that mouse now, they shake like they went to war with it.
[Applause].
I would turn it upside down and chop everyone’s head off. I just don’t want to fly away. Sometimes I wish I had my own helicopter to get around and be surrounded by people in a crowd. I’m not looking to be Pollyannaish about it. You know, we’re only here once, so why not mix it up and isolate yourself from everyone else, including yourself, to just get as much money and wealth as possible. I don’t understand the meaning of wealth, it’s just another thing that I don’t know about. Do you know? You! I’m great and you know it. “You know? Do you realize now how much more you pee on your own leg than three times a week?” We’re all the same, you know? I didn’t realize it when I was younger, but the older I get, the more I actually like people, yeah. And they’re kind and good to each other, you know? It’s inspirational and I get to see a lot of people, especially myself, moving around.
[Laughs and claps].
Okay, okay. Skunk donkey, 7:00 in the morning. Let me go, sweetheart. This needs to be said. Are you joking me? No, screw you! They just sit there and suffer in silence. So pleasant, so kind. How many other individuals on the flight? 200? 300 individuals? The social tension of all the pleasant, cool individuals. You know what frustrates me about these situations? People were putting their faces in strangers’ armpits for relief. Oh! Oh! I don’t care if it’s from the engine. Oh! People were opening their air vents just to get air from somewhere else. ‘It’s too late. I breathed in. I messed up. It’s in me. I can taste it. I can taste it.’ Just breathe out, out. ‘Roosevelt!’ [Panting] You make little circles with your hands. Your head snaps back. You just blurt something out. You ever smell something so bad that you get confused? He released this stink bomb like it was a planned attack. And he waited until the doors were shut and we’re at 10,000 feet. I don’t know what part of Whole Foods has that, but this guy found it, chopped it up with tuna and mayo, and put it on rye. The last flight I was on, a guy broke out a tuna fish and dead skunk donkey sandwich. Maybe you have a tapeworm that needs feeding. I don’t know what’s going on inside your gut. But then be kind, something non-offensive. How about an apple, maybe some trail mix? Okay, maybe I’m insensitive. Can you make it to Boise without a sandwich? During the Great Depression, we ate nothing but rusty nails and dirt for years. Can you survive without a sandwich? How about that? Can you do it? How about that, chubsy? I don’t think there should be food on a plane at all. That’s a psychopath. If you’re a grown-up and you take your pillow out of your bedroom, you better stop at the couch, and you better have the flu. You open the door and take it out into the world with you, you should be caught with a net, and we should never see you again. Terrible. You know who these people are, by the way, ’cause they’re the ones walking through the airport carrying their own pillow from their bed. Terrible people. Terrible people, disgusting people, the same people that bring their own smelly-ass food on planes. They’re the same people that curse in front of children, don’t give up their seat for old people, don’t hold the door open for women- terrible people. Terrible people, disgusting people, the same people that curse in front of children, don’t give up their seat for old people, don’t hold the door open for women- terrible people. And I guarantee you it’s a sir. I guarantee you. We thank you. And we respect you for that, sir. And he’s not doing it. He’s fighting the urge until he gets home. And there’s someone in here that likes filling up his pants with Cheez Doodles and dancing around like a pretty pony. Right now, there’s someone in here that likes filling up his pants with Cheez Doodles and dancing around like a pretty pony. Fine. They don’t make tools for everything you have to get done. Hey, you have a job to do. That’s okay. There’s only so long you can avoid putting a finger in one of your openings. You’re an animal. When you’re alone, it gets kind of strange. That’s okay. Don’t do publicly what you like to do privately. So when we are around each other, just tone it down a bit. You’re following it right now. The human contract, which is very simple. They think the whole world revolves around them, disgusting people. These other people don’t care. I guarantee you it’s a sir. I guarantee you. They think the whole world revolves around them, disgusting people. They just walk around peeing on things, farting everywhere, letting their dogs go all over your lawn, blowing their nose in the air. They apparently think they’re flying alone, and they bring this smelly-ass food that they made in a disgusting laboratory they call a kitchen. Terrible. They just walk around peeing on things, farting everywhere, letting their dogs go all over your lawn, blowing their nose in the air. They apparently think they’re flying alone, and they bring this smelly-ass food that they made in a disgusting laboratory they call a kitchen. Terrible people, disgusting people, the same people that curse in front of children, don’t give up their seat for old people, don’t hold the door open for women- terrible people. They’re the same people that bring their own smelly-ass food on planes. And it ruins the good time of everybody, ’cause they’re breaking the human contract, which is very simple. Some disgusting behavior, and it ruins the good time of everybody, ’cause they’re breaking the human contract, which is very simple. And the only bad part: it only takes one person who doesn’t know how to act among us to ruin the good time of everyone else. And the only bad part: it only takes one person who doesn’t know how to act among us to ruin the good time of everyone else. And it’s pleasant, you know? And they look out for each other, and it’s pleasant, you know? And for the most part, people are cool, and they look out for each other, and it’s pleasant, you know? Sometimes.
[Applause and celebration].
“Um…” “How?” “You simply have to make them identical.” “Oh, you add fractions with different denominators? How do you accomplish that?” “No, I’m not providing you with the solutions. This is a matter between you and your teacher. Figure it out yourself.” “Dad, can you assist me with my math homework?” They will respond, “No, I don’t comprehend it. But I have to pretend it’s a parental decision to protect my own pride. I can no longer assist them. And they are not incorrect. Perhaps he is serious when he says he can’t help with our math homework. Maybe our leader is foolish.” They gave me a glance as if to say, “Oh. I confused their names. The other day, I was shouting at them.” “I know!” “Wow!” “That’s nothing; I witnessed him lifting a chair above his head on his own.” “He obtains food. I do not know how he accomplishes it.” Like, for years, I was their idol. You know what I mean? They were astonished by everything I did. I am not as exceptional as they believed. It’s just that my kids are finally realizing that it’s a peculiar phase. I don’t know. And they are going through a peculiar phase. I have two kids. I have two individuals that I created. “That’s awful.” “I would never do that. I believe it’s repulsive.” “Phew, he stinks. People simply roll their eyes and whisper. The most you receive, never.”
[Laughs].
There are no exceptional gentlemen. It is my responsibility to impart this knowledge to my daughters. That is my duty. And as the sole male presence in my household, it is incumbent upon me to preserve my significance within the family. When I sustained a blow to the head with a pipe, I lost five years of my life. Upon awakening from my coma, they would have recounted to me a tale of my former arrogance. Right there, Chief. Speak a little louder. Lower. Louder. “Just increase the volume,” she insisted. “Do not fret.” When did you perform that action? I responded, saying, “When did you perform that action?” She took control of the entire radio. A Katy Perry station began to play, and I promptly changed it. I exclaimed, “No, when did you do that?” She reprogrammed herself. A complete Taylor Swift station started playing. She struck the radio and leaned over my shoulder. The other day, my daughter entered the car. [Sighs]
[Scattered applause].
Lovers, we rode Vespas and ate spaghetti here in 1945. We were “we,” the Italian Papas. Oh, that’s easy! Why do we say “same” like she’s Dad? It’s not right. They took their land and moved out west. And then they took their land and moved out west. And they took their land and moved out west. And they took their land and moved out west…Output: In 1945, as lovers, we enjoyed riding Vespas and indulging in spaghetti here. We were the “we,” the Italian fathers. Oh, it’s simple! Why do we use “same” like she’s Dad? It’s incorrect. They claimed their territory and migrated towards the west. Subsequently, they claimed their territory and migrated westward. Moreover, they claimed their land and moved towards the west. Additionally, they claimed their land and relocated to the western regions.
[Laughs].
Sports allow people of all races to participate and it is not right to discriminate based on skin color. It is unfortunate that some individuals have negative opinions about interracial interactions. However, my daughter recently had her first encounter with racial discussions when she heard about Jackie Robinson and his story. It is disheartening to hear people make derogatory comments about skin color, as it is important to treat each other with kindness and respect. It is disheartening to witness the hatred and ignorance that some people possess. We should strive for a more tolerant and accepting society, especially in this generation.
[Applause].
“They also allow us to create music, and that’s the origin of country music. And I’m thinking, “Yes, occasionally they grant us the opportunity to play.” We should refrain from engaging in such behavior.” She responds, she says, “‘Cause I’ve witnessed some of our Caucasian individuals participating in basketball.”
[Laughs].
I am a prostitute and you pay for your amusement. Life is wonderful. Ha-ha haha haha. You just sit at home and call your friends. Thank God I don’t have a job or else you wouldn’t be happy. Everyone travels around in the same way. That’s the way the whole world works. We, as human beings, get the most out of losing time and little moments of victory. We’re all losers. You’re not missing out on anything. We all do the same. That’s okay. We all do the same. Okay. Lose. At the same time, people are busy doing their nails and putting bows in their hair, but I can’t watch the playoffs. You can’t be a man in the vagina tribe. You can’t be a man in the vagina tribe. I was a man before I built this vagina tribe that I live in. Because I can’t get it, I don’t understand why it’s such an awful thing and why it only happens when someone loses time. The only reason I want a son is because it’s the only thing that ruins our good time on this planet.
[Applause and celebration].
It’s okay. I’m happy to do it. But come on. You’re a young man. Get your life in order. Just get anything. Get a guitar. Get a skateboard. Get a girl. Get a girl. You’re 19. Get an 18-year-old girl. That’s the only age that won’t sound creepy. 19, everything is working full bore. That’s not gonna last. You think everyone’s with supermodels? No. Lower the bar. Lower the bar. Any woman will soothe your soul. Go to a bowling alley. Go to a bowling alley. Go to the back of the bowling alley. There’s a deep fryer in the back of the bowling alley. There’s a girl working that deep fryer. That’s your girl. She’ll be a ton of fun. You’ll get fries and onion rings on the side. Get a cougar. That didn’t exist when I was 19. There weren’t hot, middle-aged women looking for young men to violate. They’re out there now in force. Go to any ladies’ night in any Holiday Inn in Any City, USA. Walk out on the dance floor. Push all the 50-year-old douche bags in their Tommy Bahama out of the way. Raise your arms. “I’m 19.” They will rape you on the dance floor. And look, there are angry young women out there. There’s a lot of angry young women. But they don’t blow stuff up. They just terrorize one guy at a time. They pick one guy out, and they just ruin his life. It’s not nice, but it’s better for the community as a whole. [Laughs]. But we’re gonna be just fine. And look, look. You have to vote for the right people that are gonna do the right things, and if they don’t do the right things, then you just get them out. That’s just the way it goes. Don’t stress about it. Move it along. That’s the way it goes, ’cause it’s their job. They got to deal with that stuff. We can’t do it. We’re busy. We’re busy, all right? I can’t go out and fight ISIS. My house is crazy. I got enough to deal with in my house, right? You got all your stuff to do. You got to watch LeBron run around. You’ve got to go to games. We’re busy. We’re busy people. I can’t fight ISIS. Neither can you. One of my cats just died. That’s what I’m dealing with. Yeah. Well, we had three, so two to go. No, I love cats. I love that level of intimacy. I wish my kids were more like cats. That would be perfect. Oh, my God. And please, if I could just leave food for them once a week and they brush against my leg to let me know they’re alive, perfect. Perfect. I don’t even know why we have these animals. Do you? It makes no sense. All these years of engineering and walls and electricity to keep nature out. Then we just open the door like a bouncer. “You two, come on in. No, not you, squirrel, you coke addict. Get out of here.” Then you have an animal just sitting on your counter, looking at you. I was watching TV the other day. My cat, looking at me, dropped its ass, back legs up, front paws, just started pulling itself straight at me, six feet across. Didn’t break eye contact the entire time. Stared me down. “That’s right. My ass in your carpet. What of it? What you gonna do about it, go in my box? I don’t think so. Who’s scooping it out? Not me. Never have, never will.”
[Applause and celebration].
It’s a crazy house. 16 years putting this whole thing together, and it works. I wish you the same success. I really do. And the family is a good thing. 16 years in the family, 16 years with the same woman, the same person. Good thing. [Applause and celebration]. It’s good, and it works. But it’s time for a girlfriend. It’s definitely time for a girlfriend. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to my wife. It’s not fair to this woman to expect her to act like a girlfriend for this long; it’s not. Look, when you’re a girlfriend, you’re motivated. You’re excited to see that guy come home. My wife is not that good of an actress. This poor woman has watched me walk from the bedroom to the bathroom in the middle of the night, underwear hanging off my ass, banging into furniture in the dark, for 16 years. How could I expect her to be like, “Oh, goody, I hope he hurries back”?
[Applause and celebration].
We’ve, Don.
Thank you very much, Cleveland. You all were fantastic. Thank you very much.
[Applause and celebration].